Wednesday, June 25, 2008
My brother's dog looks like Gordon Ramsay.
This entry isn't much of a rant - it just had to be done.
Now I want you to imagine the dog (who’s name is Grievous) to be talking like Mr Ramsay.
“These biscuits are f*cking dry.. and tasteless. The meat.. it’s all f*cking.. cylindrical, like it’s from a can. The gravy tastes like it came from the f*cking cafeteria at the f*cking pound. All I ask for is traditional dog food, done well, for f*cks sake.”
More photos of Grievous are available on request. He looks more like Gordon every day.
Now I want you to imagine the dog (who’s name is Grievous) to be talking like Mr Ramsay.
“These biscuits are f*cking dry.. and tasteless. The meat.. it’s all f*cking.. cylindrical, like it’s from a can. The gravy tastes like it came from the f*cking cafeteria at the f*cking pound. All I ask for is traditional dog food, done well, for f*cks sake.”
More photos of Grievous are available on request. He looks more like Gordon every day.
Friday, June 20, 2008
My computer was recently updated!
Yayyy!!! Thank you SO MUCH Microsoft. I was really struggling to use my outdated software until you came to the rescue. Nevermind the fact that I will never notice ANY of the updates that just occurred, but the fact that you didn't exactly give me a choice in the matter makes me want to fly to whatever luxury apartment this dickwad is staying at and do this to him.
This is the message I came back to after a brief visit to the men's room:
Probably should have said something more along these lines:
Anyone else been a victim of this?
This is like the 5th time this has happened to me this year. I'm going to buy a Mac.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
And it's funny because...
I have a strong dislike for typical American sitcoms.
There are only a few I have seen which I don't have an intense hatred for. Seinfeld was tolerable. Frasier had its moments. Arrested Development was pretty good actually.
For the remaining 1.6billion hours of excruciatingly awful comedy produced for your viewing pleasure can be collected in a large heshen sack, hung from a tree and beaten repeatedly with assorted pointy sticks.
The contents of this sack probably include:
* “According to Jim”. A top quality sitcom about a lazy, pig headed bad father who frequently impresses his hot wife with his incompetence, general poor hygiene and unwillingness to wear pants. I didn’t know you could fit that much laughter in a can until I had the pleasure of sitting through half an episode of this comedic piece of shit.
* “Full House”. I actually used to enjoy this show when I was five. I managed to catch an old episode a few months back and realised that it’s more creepy than funny to have 3 fully grown men (one of them frequently sporting a sock puppet to aid his apparent split personality) loitering around a house filled with kids who have almost no interaction with the outside world. Where are the Olsen twins now as a result of this poor upbringing?
* “The Nanny”. My goodness. If I was Niles the butler I would have stabbed every single member of the household up to 40 times with a letter opener at some point during episode 1. Nobody will ever get sick of the interaction between Ms Fine and Ms Babcock, complete with Niles’ witty innuendo that will keep both adult and children viewers in stitches. To top it all off, we have to deal with Brighton. Where is Brighton these days? My guess is he was kicked out of college for installing a webcam in the girls bathrooms, and now struggles to pay the rent in his crappy apartment while he works as an assistant fish scaler in a predominantly black neighbourhood with the sixth highest homicide rate in America. You suck Brighton and your all-too-frequently sexual remarks aren’t cute when you’re 26.
* “Family Matters”. This one went prime time. Are we really supposed to believe a spastic like Urkel wouldn’t have been arrested after the tenth attempt of getting into Laura’s bathroom?
* “Harry & the Hendersons”. A family comedy about Chewbacca’s retarded cousin, Harry. Even his name is funny because it almost sounds like “hairy”. I think that joke was the sole reason why this comedy made it on your tv sets. I enjoyed the family car with the fake wood panels on the side, but the rest of this series was the comedic equivalent to publicly shitting yourself after being squeezed firmly by a python.
* “Blossom”. Reeeeeeally wanted to throw misc items at this girl. Hated every second of every episode ever aired – and I was TEN at the time. Just the sight of her made me rage. She might be the main contributing factor behind this blog.
Americans don’t understand irony. Everything needs to be explained to the audience which removes the last skerrick of enjoyment from working out for yourself why a certain remark or occurence is funny.
STOP EXPLAINING YOUR JOKES TO US AMERICA. AND WHEN WE DON’T LAUGH, STOP MAKING NEW SHOWS WITH THE SAME JOKES IN THE HOPE THAT WE MIGHT LAUGH THIS TIME.
There are only a few I have seen which I don't have an intense hatred for. Seinfeld was tolerable. Frasier had its moments. Arrested Development was pretty good actually.
For the remaining 1.6billion hours of excruciatingly awful comedy produced for your viewing pleasure can be collected in a large heshen sack, hung from a tree and beaten repeatedly with assorted pointy sticks.
The contents of this sack probably include:
* “According to Jim”. A top quality sitcom about a lazy, pig headed bad father who frequently impresses his hot wife with his incompetence, general poor hygiene and unwillingness to wear pants. I didn’t know you could fit that much laughter in a can until I had the pleasure of sitting through half an episode of this comedic piece of shit.
* “Full House”. I actually used to enjoy this show when I was five. I managed to catch an old episode a few months back and realised that it’s more creepy than funny to have 3 fully grown men (one of them frequently sporting a sock puppet to aid his apparent split personality) loitering around a house filled with kids who have almost no interaction with the outside world. Where are the Olsen twins now as a result of this poor upbringing?
* “The Nanny”. My goodness. If I was Niles the butler I would have stabbed every single member of the household up to 40 times with a letter opener at some point during episode 1. Nobody will ever get sick of the interaction between Ms Fine and Ms Babcock, complete with Niles’ witty innuendo that will keep both adult and children viewers in stitches. To top it all off, we have to deal with Brighton. Where is Brighton these days? My guess is he was kicked out of college for installing a webcam in the girls bathrooms, and now struggles to pay the rent in his crappy apartment while he works as an assistant fish scaler in a predominantly black neighbourhood with the sixth highest homicide rate in America. You suck Brighton and your all-too-frequently sexual remarks aren’t cute when you’re 26.
* “Family Matters”. This one went prime time. Are we really supposed to believe a spastic like Urkel wouldn’t have been arrested after the tenth attempt of getting into Laura’s bathroom?
* “Harry & the Hendersons”. A family comedy about Chewbacca’s retarded cousin, Harry. Even his name is funny because it almost sounds like “hairy”. I think that joke was the sole reason why this comedy made it on your tv sets. I enjoyed the family car with the fake wood panels on the side, but the rest of this series was the comedic equivalent to publicly shitting yourself after being squeezed firmly by a python.
* “Blossom”. Reeeeeeally wanted to throw misc items at this girl. Hated every second of every episode ever aired – and I was TEN at the time. Just the sight of her made me rage. She might be the main contributing factor behind this blog.
Americans don’t understand irony. Everything needs to be explained to the audience which removes the last skerrick of enjoyment from working out for yourself why a certain remark or occurence is funny.
STOP EXPLAINING YOUR JOKES TO US AMERICA. AND WHEN WE DON’T LAUGH, STOP MAKING NEW SHOWS WITH THE SAME JOKES IN THE HOPE THAT WE MIGHT LAUGH THIS TIME.
It's funny because...
I have a strong dislike for typical American sitcoms.
There are only a few I have seen which I don't have an intense hatred for. Seinfeld was tolerable. Frasier had its moments. Arrested Development was pretty good actually.
- “According to Jim”. A top quality sitcom about a lazy, pig headed bad father who frequently impresses his hot wife with his incompetence, general poor hygiene and unwillingness to wear pants. I didn’t know you could fit that much laughter in a can until I had the pleasure of sitting through half an episode of this comedic piece of shit.
- “Full House”. I actually used to enjoy this show when I was five. I managed to catch an old episode a few months back and realised that it’s more creepy than funny to have 3 fully grown men (one of them frequently sporting a sock puppet to aid his apparent split personality) loitering around a house filled with kids who have almost no interaction with the outside world. Where are the Olsen twins now as a result of this poor upbringing?
- “The Nanny”. My goodness. If I was
- “Family Matters”. This one went prime time. Are we really supposed to believe a spastic like Urkel wouldn’t have been arrested after the tenth attempt of getting into Laura’s bathroom?
- “Harry & the Hendersons”. A family comedy about Chewbacca’s retarded cousin, Harry. Even his name is funny because it almost sounds like “hairy”. I think that joke was the sole reason why this comedy made it on your tv sets. I enjoyed the family car with the fake wood panels on the side, but the rest of this series was the comedic equivalent to publicly shitting yourself after being squeezed firmly by a python.
- “Blossom”. Reeeeeeally wanted to throw misc items at this girl. Hated every second of every episode ever aired – and I was TEN at the time. Just the sight of her made me rage. She might be the main contributing factor behind this blog.
Americans don’t understand irony. Everything needs to be explained to the audience which removes the last skerrick of enjoyment from working out for yourself why a certain remark or occurence is funny.
STOP EXPLAINING YOUR JOKES TO
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
You look ridiculous.
Fashion. Handy for people who lack actual substance.
I work in Subiaco. Subiaco, as far as Perth goes, is a bit of a fashion hub. It's a place where the best result you can hope for is to not stand out from the crowd, because if you do, it's probably because your shoes aren't pointy enough or your sunglasses aren't ridiculously huge enough.
Lately (possibly for my entire life) I have failed to understand fashion. I've always been quite a practical person. I have some particular annoyances that I wish to raise with you.
Large Sunglasses (and the overuse of sunglasses in general)
Sunglasses allow a person to remain completely devoid of any facial expression. They sap the very last scrap of personality or character from one's face. I think this may be the intention (due to the fact that most people these days generally suck as people, and they know they have nothing to offer you beyond looking omg HOT) . There are only 3 reasons for wearing sunglasses when it's not really that sunny outside.
This one hasn't taken off quite yet - but i have noticed it slowly creeping in around the place. What's in their oversized handbags? I have a few ideas but I can't be certain..
I'm out of time again.. so that is all.
I work in Subiaco. Subiaco, as far as Perth goes, is a bit of a fashion hub. It's a place where the best result you can hope for is to not stand out from the crowd, because if you do, it's probably because your shoes aren't pointy enough or your sunglasses aren't ridiculously huge enough.
Lately (possibly for my entire life) I have failed to understand fashion. I've always been quite a practical person. I have some particular annoyances that I wish to raise with you.
Large Sunglasses (and the overuse of sunglasses in general)
Sunglasses allow a person to remain completely devoid of any facial expression. They sap the very last scrap of personality or character from one's face. I think this may be the intention (due to the fact that most people these days generally suck as people, and they know they have nothing to offer you beyond looking omg HOT) . There are only 3 reasons for wearing sunglasses when it's not really that sunny outside.
- You have an embarrassing shiner from a public beating from a much smaller person to hide
- You are partial to a bit of the old whacky tobacci and your friends just don't understand.
- You have no eyes or really weird eyes.
This one hasn't taken off quite yet - but i have noticed it slowly creeping in around the place. What's in their oversized handbags? I have a few ideas but I can't be certain..
- The biggest sunglasses ever made
- Another handbag. With another one inside that. With Canesten inside that.
- 3 copies of every single season of Sex & the City on DVD complete with a plaster model of Sarah Jessica Parker's Bumpier than average face
I'm out of time again.. so that is all.
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