I have come to the conclusion after observing 3 DVD covers of Matthew McConaughey movies, that he was born without a spine and is unable to stand up by his own means. He either needs to be propped against an unsuspecting female or held in place with a rope or scarf.
I am unsure why he is unable to stand erect. Maybe his pecs are too heavy. Maybe the grease in his lovely locks is weighing him down.
Maybe he was born as a Merman and they have to photoshop pants and legs onto him.
Whatever it is - it's creepy and unsettling. And it's not a recent thing - did you know he was cast as the original "Twin" of Arnold Schwarzenegger but had to pull out of the movie because he was unhappy that they were making a mockery of his height? He thought he was being cast as the bigger twin. Turns out he's only 2 inches taller than officially being classified as a midget.
As I work as a freelance graphic designer, and I work from home, I spend more time on YouTube than the average person.
Some of the videos on YouTube are hilarious or mind blowing or whatever. Sometimes, however, I find the comments to be equally entertaining. The anonymity of YouTube ensures that any viewer or poster can say anything with almost no consequence.
I have had a think about it and noticed there are at least 6 distinctive types of YouTubers. And here they are.
1. The Authority on Everything
One of the more annoying types. This person takes great pride in either correcting someone's spelling & grammar - or just pasting Wikipedia facts into the comments box as claiming the knowledge as their own.
I imagine this sort of person to be the type to think that living in the World of Warcraft or Second Life gives them actual life experience and qualifies them to have an opinion on almost anything. They probably attended university for 20 years before realising that entering the workforce was probably way too hard. They'd have to attend an interview first and have no actual social skills and are allergic to sunlight so can't leave the house. The furthest they get to leaving their fantasy worlds is logging onto YouTube and gracing us with their pasted facts written in perfect English. After all, if they're going to correct somebody, they better make sure they use correct grammar - despite the fact that they omit vowels and ignore the shift key when conversing with their online geek buddies.
2. The raging illiterate cage fighter
Irritating, but potentially very amusing if not directed at yourself. This person makes up for their lack of basic English skills by filling in the blanks with any one of 5 or 6 favourite "space filling words". Within one sentence littered with very colourful single-syllable words, this user has the unique gift of mocking your race, religion, location, body shape, sexuality and even your mother's occupation. There is never any substance to their insults - but if you ever respond in a similar manner you promptly receive notice that they are in fact a cage fighter who would have been the greatest ever, if not for being shot by police after beating over 50 bikers senseless in a bar fight when they were 15.
There is a good chance this person probably is an angry, violent person in reality - but anyone who spends that much time on the internet without managing to increase their vocabulary probably isn't an enormous threat to your, or your mother's, welfare.
3. The unrelenting spammer
They probably make up about 80% of all videos on YouTube. They either repost something that has had a huge view count, hoping to get their own view count, or they post A STILL IMAGE and give it the title of a video you really wanted to see.
For example: Video title: UFC 109 Randy Couture V Mark Coleman FULL FIGHT Video content: A jpeg of Randy Couture with the caption of "go to freefightvideos.tv!"
I don't want to go to freefightvideos.tv. I want to stay on YouTube and watch UFC 109. Why do i have to sift through 15 pages of spam from your various accounts before I realise the video is not available?
Another type of spammer is the spam commenter.
Example: Video title: Funny cat sings the national anthem Spammer comment: This is funny. For more like this visit www.free-ipods.cn
Annoying. Maybe the most annoying part is the fact that people still fall for it - so it works - so it keeps happening. Nobody on YouTube wants the best for you. They have no reason to supply you with infinite singing cats.
4. The approval seeking parrot
Truly the most pathetic of all users. Even the spammer has more purpose than the parrot. This is the user who quotes dialogue from a 10 second long video YOU JUST SAW and hopes that, in return, you will give him a thumbs up - so he can build up enough confidence to one day finish his screenplay for the new hilarious sitcom he's been working on since last night. It's going to be epic - like a cross between "How I Met Your Mother" and "Two and a Half Men" only set in 2050 when there are only 3 guys left on the planet. And they live in New York. And one of them runs a pizza shop.
Seriously though - if that's YOU quoting dialogue I just heard, please stop it. I was already well aware of which parts were funny - according to me, not you.
5. The epic time waster
Often stay at home mothers. I'm talking about a 58 second long poor quality, shaky video of their bog-standard domestic pet cat stalking a bird. The cat never catches the bird, by the way. There is nothing to look forward to in this video. No humour, no irony, no action, no climax and the resolution is the camera phone running out of memory.
An example of the unfortunate crossover between the epic time waster and the parrot would be a malnourished effeminite black-haired teenager with one visible eye and a Ramones T-Shirt videoing their awful rendition of their favourite song. Nobody needs to see that. Please stop naming your videos after the name of the song you're about to butcher. 6. The troll
Basically, a troll is someone who comments on a video with the sole purpose of annoying the other viewers.
For example: Video title: The Best of British Comedy Troll Comment: "British comedy SUCKS. American is better! British have bad teeth!!!1!
So very, very annoying. You can't read this without responding. This is where the cage fighters are born. Trolls, for whatever reason, get their kicks from knowing they have made every single other viewer RAGE. Sometimes it goes a bit further and racist or just plain distasteful comments are left. That's a crossover between the cage fighter and the illiterate troll. If there was a way to remove those people from YouTube altogether, the world would be a better place. Also, if you do comment on their lack of purpose in life, they will private message you death threats. You can get into full scale warfare with a troll within 5 messages and they will probably post something gross on your profile comments page as that's really their only method of attack.
I can't think of any image to use for this - aside from a boring screenshot, so here is a brilliant video from Trolls 2 for you to enjoy.
So there we have it - the 6 types of YouTubers, from my observation.
This entry isn't much of a rant - it just had to be done.
Now I want you to imagine the dog (who’s name is Grievous) to be talking like Mr Ramsay.
“These biscuits are f*cking dry.. and tasteless. The meat.. it’s all f*cking.. cylindrical, like it’s from a can. The gravy tastes like it came from the f*cking cafeteria at the f*cking pound. All I ask for is traditional dog food, done well, for f*cks sake.”
More photos of Grievous are available on request. He looks more like Gordon every day.
Yayyy!!! Thank you SO MUCH Microsoft. I was really struggling to use my outdated software until you came to the rescue. Nevermind the fact that I will never notice ANY of the updates that just occurred, but the fact that you didn't exactly give me a choice in the matter makes me want to fly to whatever luxury apartment this dickwad is staying at and do this to him.
This is the message I came back to after a brief visit to the men's room:
Probably should have said something more along these lines:
Anyone else been a victim of this?
This is like the 5th time this has happened to me this year. I'm going to buy a Mac.
I have a strong dislike for typical American sitcoms.
There are only a few I have seen which I don't have an intense hatred for. Seinfeld was tolerable. Frasier had its moments. Arrested Development was pretty good actually.
For the remaining 1.6billion hours of excruciatingly awful comedy produced for your viewing pleasure can be collected in a large heshen sack, hung from a tree and beaten repeatedly with assorted pointy sticks.
The contents of this sack probably include:
* “According to Jim”. A top quality sitcom about a lazy, pig headed bad father who frequently impresses his hot wife with his incompetence, general poor hygiene and unwillingness to wear pants. I didn’t know you could fit that much laughter in a can until I had the pleasure of sitting through half an episode of this comedic piece of shit.
* “Full House”. I actually used to enjoy this show when I was five. I managed to catch an old episode a few months back and realised that it’s more creepy than funny to have 3 fully grown men (one of them frequently sporting a sock puppet to aid his apparent split personality) loitering around a house filled with kids who have almost no interaction with the outside world. Where are the Olsen twins now as a result of this poor upbringing?
* “The Nanny”. My goodness. If I was Niles the butler I would have stabbed every single member of the household up to 40 times with a letter opener at some point during episode 1. Nobody will ever get sick of the interaction between Ms Fine and Ms Babcock, complete with Niles’ witty innuendo that will keep both adult and children viewers in stitches. To top it all off, we have to deal with Brighton. Where is Brighton these days? My guess is he was kicked out of college for installing a webcam in the girls bathrooms, and now struggles to pay the rent in his crappy apartment while he works as an assistant fish scaler in a predominantly black neighbourhood with the sixth highest homicide rate in America. You suck Brighton and your all-too-frequently sexual remarks aren’t cute when you’re 26.
* “Family Matters”. This one went prime time. Are we really supposed to believe a spastic like Urkel wouldn’t have been arrested after the tenth attempt of getting into Laura’s bathroom?
* “Harry & the Hendersons”. A family comedy about Chewbacca’s retarded cousin, Harry. Even his name is funny because it almost sounds like “hairy”. I think that joke was the sole reason why this comedy made it on your tv sets. I enjoyed the family car with the fake wood panels on the side, but the rest of this series was the comedic equivalent to publicly shitting yourself after being squeezed firmly by a python.
* “Blossom”. Reeeeeeally wanted to throw misc items at this girl. Hated every second of every episode ever aired – and I was TEN at the time. Just the sight of her made me rage. She might be the main contributing factor behind this blog.
Americans don’t understand irony. Everything needs to be explained to the audience which removes the last skerrick of enjoyment from working out for yourself why a certain remark or occurence is funny.
STOP EXPLAINING YOUR JOKES TO US AMERICA. AND WHEN WE DON’T LAUGH, STOP MAKING NEW SHOWS WITH THE SAME JOKES IN THE HOPE THAT WE MIGHT LAUGH THIS TIME.
I have a strong dislike for typical American sitcoms.
There are only a few I have seen which I don't have an intense hatred for. Seinfeld was tolerable. Frasier had its moments. Arrested Development was pretty good actually.
For the remaining 1.6billion hours of excruciatingly awful comedy produced for your viewing pleasure can be collected in a large heshen sack, hung from a tree and beaten repeatedly with assorted pointy sticks.
The contents of this sack probably include:
“According to Jim”. A top quality sitcom about a lazy, pig headed bad father who frequently impresses his hot wife with his incompetence, general poor hygiene and unwillingness to wear pants. I didn’t know you could fit that much laughter in a can until I had the pleasure of sitting through half an episode of this comedic piece of shit.
“Full House”. I actually used to enjoy this show when I was five. I managed to catch an old episode a few months back and realised that it’s more creepy than funny to have 3 fully grown men (one of them frequently sporting a sock puppet to aid his apparent split personality) loitering around a house filled with kids who have almost no interaction with the outside world. Where are the Olsen twins now as a result of this poor upbringing?
“The Nanny”. My goodness. If I was Niles the butler I would have stabbed every single member of the household up to 40 times with a letter opener at some point during episode 1. Nobody will ever get sick of the interaction between Ms Fine and Ms Babcock, complete with Niles’ witty innuendo that will keep both adult and children viewers in stitches. To top it all off, we have to deal with Brian. Where is Brian these days? My guess is he was kicked out of college for installing a webcam in the girls bathrooms, and now struggles to pay the rent in his crappy apartment while he works as an assistant fish scaler in a predominantly black neighbourhood with the sixth highest homicide rate in America. You suck Brian and your all-too-frequently sexual remarks aren’t cute when you’re 26.
“Family Matters”. This one went prime time. Are we really supposed to believe a spastic like Urkel wouldn’t have been arrested after the tenth attempt of getting into Laura’s bathroom?
“Harry & the Hendersons”. A family comedy about Chewbacca’s retarded cousin, Harry. Even his name is funny because it almost sounds like “hairy”. I think that joke was the sole reason why this comedy made it on your tv sets. I enjoyed the family car with the fake wood panels on the side, but the rest of this series was the comedic equivalent to publicly shitting yourself after being squeezed firmly by a python.
“Blossom”. Reeeeeeally wanted to throw misc items at this girl. Hated every second of every episode ever aired – and I was TEN at the time. Just the sight of her made me rage. She might be the main contributing factor behind this blog.
Americans don’t understand irony. Everything needs to be explained to the audience which removes the last skerrick of enjoyment from working out for yourself why a certain remark or occurence is funny.
STOP EXPLAINING YOUR JOKES TO USAMERICA. AND WHEN WE DON’T LAUGH, STOP MAKING NEW SHOWS WITH THE SAME JOKES IN THE HOPE THAT WE MIGHT LAUGH THIS TIME.
